The Wild Turkey.

The Connie: Sammy! I’m on trail and guess what! Guess what Hooligan saw!

Daughter: What trail? I have no idea what you are going to tell me.

The Connie: He saw a wild turkey! He was going in the bush and he jumped and it was wild turkey.  And I was like, it was wild turkey like oh my gosh! And then the turkey was gone and we saw an egg. So I covered the egg to protect it. And then he went to the bush and it slithered and it was snake! But the snake was faster than him. A snake Sammy!

The Paratroopers.

The Connie: When I was driving up here I saw a big accident on the freeway. And people are so stupid that they stop the cars and get out to look. So then the paratroopers couldn’t get through to help!

Daughter: The paratroopers?

The Connie: Yeah, the paratroopers.

Son-in-Law: Paramedics maybe?

The Connie: No, not the paramedics. The paratroopers, for the Turnpike.

Son-in-Law: State Troopers?

The Connie: Yes, the State Paratroopers.

Daughter: You know that paratroopers jump out of airplanes with parachutes.

The Connie: I’ve never seen that. These ones were just driving.

Son-in-Law: That’s because they were State Troopers, not paratroopers.

The Connie: Whatever dude.

The Edge.

[trying to sing The Message by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five]

The Connie: *Don’t push me, over the edge. Because it’s gonna get on my head! Yo yo yo!*

Daughter: That’s not exactly the lyrics…

The Connie: It’s my lyrics for my song.

The Voting.

The Connie: Obama is a cheater. He did that whole ACORN thing. It was a big deal.

Daughter:Really? What about the 2000 election with the Bush recount?

The Connie: Bush didn’t cheat! I didn’t hear about that one. I only heard about Obama cheating.

Daughter: Really? Seriously? You don’t remember the Florida recount?

The Connie: No, the Bush thing must have not been big. The Obama cheating thing was like major.

Daughter: Are you SERIOUS!? Hanging chads? You don’t remember that?

The Connie: Who was Chad?

The Leather Bounded People.

{on the subway one evening}

The Connie: What do you call those people. The ones with the leather bounded things..

Daughter: Please lower your voice.

The Connie: You know though. The leather bounded ones. And they put a ball in their mouth and hit each other. OH! Masso-kits.

Daughter: Please lower your voice mother.

The Connie: Oh! I know, it’s called “S and M” dude! So “M” is for masso-kits.  What is the “S” for? It’s for “sex” probably.

The Age Problem.

The Connie: How old is your sister?

Daughter: How old do you think she is?

Son-in-Law: She’s the same age as me.

The Connie: 30… 31? 32? No, 33 maybe?

Daughter: Here’s a fun question for you. How old are you?

The Connie: Dude, that’s my problem to worry about.

The Terrible (Dirty) Towel.

The Connie: Why do they do the “Dirty Towel”?

Daughter: You mean the “Terrible Towel”?

The Connie: The “Terrible Dirty Towel.”

Daughter: Just “Terrible Towel”, it’s not dirty.

The Connie: Well, a dirty towel is terrible if you ask me.