The Thinking.
The Connie: Are you thinking what I’m thinking am thinking is thinking?
The Sandbox.
The Connie: You need a sandbox when you buy a house. For the baby.
Son-in-Law: You mean our dog Hooligan? Because we don’t have a baby.
The Connie: But you will have a baby. And he needs a sandbox.
Daughter: My kid will not have a sandbox.
The Connie: Sammy, a child needs a sandbox.
Daughter: I never had one and I somehow turned out fine.
Son-in-Law: Yeah, I certainly never had one either.
The Connie: But kids are different today. And they need a sandbox. It’s true.
The Baby Actors.
The Connie: How do they choose the babies in movies? Like, how do they know they will be a good actor?
The Immigrant.
The Connie: I think they should build a fence to keep out the immigrants.
Daughter: You mean immigrants like you and me?
The Connie: I’m not an immigrant. I just came here.
Daughter: You immigrated here.
The Connie: Not like them! They come and take jobs from Americans and live on welfare. It’s not correct. I just came here because your dad had a job cause he’s the best and then they gave us a green card.
Daughter: So, you immigrated here. And dad took a job from an American.
The Connie: Whatever dude, I just came here. I’m not a lazy immigrant.
Daughter: OK. But let me get this straight. You’re a Filipino. With a UK passport. Living in the US on a green card. Currently collecting unemployment. Therefore, you’re an immigrant living off American tax dollars.
The Connie: Dude. I’m not an immigrant.
The British Lottery.
The Connie: Wooh! I won the British Lottery!
Daughter: What makes you think that?
The Connie: look I got this email. It says “We are happy to inform you that you have won the sum of £520.731.00 from the monthly British National Lottery Promotion.”
Daughter: Let’s think about this for a second. Did you enter a lottery?
The Connie: No. But it’s because I’m British, no?
Daughter: Let me guess. They are asking you for information to confirm your identity, right?
The Connie: Yeah. They need name, address, and a bank to wire the money to.
Daughter: Doesn’t that sound a bit suspicious?
The Celtic Thunder.
[Yelling at a Celtic Thunder infomercial on TV]
The Connie: I hate them. They’re so fake. I prefer River Dance. It’s much more authentic.
The Organ.
[watching a hockey game]
The Connie: It always sound like an organ playing music in the sports games.
Son-in-Law: Well, that is an organ playing.
The Connie: A real one? No way Jose!
The Serial Killers.
Daughter: Why do you watch ID Discovery all day?
The Connie: Because I need to know what they do, so I don’t get serial murdered.
Daughter: How will watching these shows help you with that?
The Connie: Because I know where they hide the bodies and how they do it now.
Daughter: So your ghost can come back and tell the cops where your body is?
The Connie: Whatever dude. I watch it, so I know if somebody is taking me to these places I know they are probably going to try to kill me. Like if they take me to a swamp or near a dumpster field.
The Lizards.
The Connie: Gingrich. Newt. What a weird name. I bet he got made fun of as a kid. I wonder what’s his sister name, his mother’s name. I bet it’s all like bugs names. Like a newt.
Son-in-Law: Or amphibians, maybe?
The Connie: Yeah dude, like a *Karma karma karma karma, karma chameleon!*
Daughter: That’s a lizard.
The Window.
The Connie: *Born free! As free as the window!*
Daughter: Did you just say “as free as the window?”
The Connie: Yes. I make my own words.